Fixing Isn’t Healing — It’s Becoming
By Kate McKay
Hey friends, it’s Kate.
I want to talk about something that touches all of us at some point — this idea that if we could just figure it out, if we just found the right formula, we could finally fix what hurts.
We love formulas, don’t we?
We want a plan, a timeline, a checklist — something that makes life make sense again.
If I just eat better, pray harder, talk to the right person, maybe I can hold it all together.
But grief and change have a way of undoing all that.
They strip us down to what’s real.
And they remind us that healing isn’t mechanical.
It’s human.
When my son Will died, I wanted so badly to find a way through the pain that made sense.
I read all the books.
I prayed.
I wanted someone — anyone — to tell me what to do to make it stop hurting.
But grief doesn’t respond to management.
It doesn’t care about timelines or tidy plans.
Some days I felt okay — I could breathe, even smile.
Other days, I was right back at the beginning, undone by something small — a song, a smell, a memory.
And I used to think that meant I was failing.
But I wasn’t failing.
I was feeling.
And that’s what healing actually is — feeling what’s real, again and again, until your heart learns a new rhythm.
The same thing happens when we’re trying to change something in our lives — a pattern, a habit, a relationship.
We take two steps forward, one step back.
We tell ourselves we should be further along by now.
But change, like grief, is never a straight line.
It’s messy.
It’s humbling.
And it’s holy work.
In behavioral science, they call it integration.
In grief, we call it acceptance.
In life, I just call it becoming.
Because that’s what’s happening beneath the surface — you’re being reshaped.
You’re learning to live, to love, to trust again, piece by piece.
The biggest lie we tell ourselves is that pain means something is wrong.
But what if pain isn’t a punishment?
What if it’s an invitation?
A whisper that says, This matters. You matter. Keep going.
Fixing is about control.
Healing is about surrender.
It’s about learning to stay with what’s true, even when it’s uncomfortable.
It’s about letting grace do what our minds can’t — soften, open, and make space for something new to grow.
Grace doesn’t always come as a big revelation.
Most of the time, it comes quietly.
In a friend who calls at the right time.
In a walk outside when the world feels too heavy.
In that one deep breath before bed when you finally stop pretending you’re fine.
That’s where resilience begins.
Not in pushing harder, but in allowing life to move through you — until the sharp edges soften.
Real healing, like real change, isn’t about going back to who you were before.
It’s about becoming who you are now — wiser, deeper, more open-hearted — because you had the courage to face what was real and still choose love.
So if you’re in that in-between place right now — not who you were, not yet who you’ll become — please don’t rush to fix it.
Let yourself be in it.
Get the support you need.
Let grace in, however it shows up.
And trust that this, right here, is sacred ground.
✨ Reflection for You
Where in your life are you trying to fix something that might actually need to be felt?What helps you stay present when you want to rush ahead or shut down?How might grace be inviting you — not to control the process — but to trust who you’re becoming?
You’re not failing.
You’re healing.
And grace is already at work, even here, even now.
If you’re ready to move from surviving to truly living again, explore Restorative Coaching with Kate McKay — a one-on-one process designed to help you find clarity, renewed strength, and meaning through life’s hardest chapters.
💜 My new book, Grief and Grace: The Sacred Work of Living After Loss, is coming soon- a journey through love, loss, and the quiet power that helps us rise again. Subscribe below so you don’t miss the next chapter. We’re in this together and grace has already begun.
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